Haunting (and hurting)

I have restrained myself getting involved with someone again after a hurtful experience which happened years ago. Most of my close friends knew I fell for someone and I was actually excited because it would be my first (at the least as a matured individual). All along, I thought I would be spending time with someone at the least for that moment and learn how to nurture an experience called “relationship”. It was OK at the start — spending time each other, exchange SMS, and all the mushy things most couples do. However, things went sour as we go along in a pathetic time frame of 2 months — all because of a joke. Although the time was short when we first said to give it a “try” — I have expected so much and the outcome wasn’t good at all. Since then, I have placed my attention more on my family, my friends, my studies, my career. One way or another, I have given up thinking about this crazy thing called “love”. I met new faces along the way but the pain of the past keeps on striking back on me as if should I get myself involved again, the things that happened in the past would inevitably happen.

Time has passed and assured myself that it wasn’t love in the first place. Infatuation could be the better term to coin for whatever happened to me and let go of whatever feelings are left for her inside. Life went on, not until she came back into circulation.

Fine, the old vulnerable me reminisced the old days even if that would mean remembering her again. Of course, the exchange of pleasantries went back and there’s the excitement of meeting her again but not the same as it was before. I instilled this way of feeling towards her so as not to have expectations beyond us becoming a couple again. We met again by accident and since then I have only seen her twice.

She invited me for a lunch or dinner which I agreed but she didn’t appear. I sent her SMS but she only replied when I was on my way home. Second, I invited her for a movie date – she agreed but then didn’t appear again. Fine – I guess I was expecting too much again from her. All the while I thought things would be OK in this “renewed” friendship that we have but it came out differently.

The ghost of the past is haunting me again and if I would sink in further involving myself again with her, things might not go well accordingly. I must admit, it hurts when things in the past happen again and I’m falling for her again. It’s sad but I think I have to stop this. It’s not that I am ready for a relationship but I think I am just pushing myself to her. Further, I don’t want to sore our current relationship and I think it is safe to say, we’re better off this way.

I just remember what I have posted in my previous blog something about love:

Love has it’s own time, it’s own seasons, and it’s own reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason into saying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you.

But if it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do. Love always has been and always be a mystery. Be glad that it came live for a moment in your life. Don’t deny love just because you don’t want to be hurt.

😦

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